Raven and the Stalk of Beans
by Cyrox
Summary: It’s time for Starfire’s Tales of Fairies. Today Starfire will tell us all the story of Jack and the Beanstalk with a Teen Titan’s twist. Parody of a Bugs Bunny Cartoon.


Starfire's Tales of Fairies Presents: Raven and the Stalk of Beans

Cyrox

Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans or Bugs Bunny. And if you see a word that is misspelled, it is meant to be that way.

It was a quiet evening for a change in Titan's Tower, probably because Cyborg and Beast Boy were at the mall. Starfire was in her room getting a book out from her bookcase.

"Greetings friends," Starfire said as she floated over to a chair, "and welcome to my time of stories. I wish to read to you many different tales of fairies and other classic stories. But because I only have time to read one, I will tell you the classic story of Jack and the Stalk of Beans from this book."

Starfire opened her book and found the story that she was looking for.

"Once in a time that was upon," Starfire read, "there was a young boy by the name of Jack."

As she read, the scene of Starfire in her room changed to a dirt road that was outside a village. A man was leading a brown cow away from the village while a boy was walking to the village holding a sack. The boy was very short and had a round, bald head and large white eyes. He was dressed completely in green and had grey goggles on his head and a metallic backpack on his back. And he looked very steamed too.

"Now Jack went to the place of market to trade his cow for food, and got a large sack of beans," Starfire narrated.

"I can't believe that fart breathed liar tricked me into trading my only cow for a bunch of stinking beans." Jack grumbled.

"In his rage, Jack threw the bag of beans away and it landed in a small hole that contained a meditation chamber for those who would like to meditate in peace," Starfire narrated, "and out of that hole grew a gigantic stalk of beans."

"Wow," Jack said, "a beanstalk."

Jack took out a controller and pushed a button on it and a mini propeller popped out of his backpack. The propeller started spinning and Jack flew up the beanstalk.

"Of coarse," Jack said to himself, "this is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, and I'm Jack. All I have to do is fly up this beanstalk and I'll get all the golden goodies at the top."

Jack was so busy bragging to himself that his propeller got caught on a leaf. Jack flew around it and noticed that Raven was meditating on the leaf. Jack was enraged when he saw her.

"Hey, bug breath!" Jack teased.

Raven broke out of her trance and noticed him.

"What's up dork," She replied.

"You want to know what's up. Gold and silver that's what's up! But there's not enough for the both of us!" Jack shouted.

Jack activated his backpack and a pail of clippers came out of it. The clippers cut the leaf that Raven was sitting on, causing her to fall. Jack laughed as he continued to fly up the beanstalk. Raven used her powers to levitate just before she hit the ground.

"I do not recall there being any girls from Azarath in the story of Jack and the Stalk of Beans," Starfire wondered.

"Well there's going to be one in this version," Raven said as she flew up the beanstalk.

After a quick flight, Jack finally made it to the top of the beanstalk.

"This will be great," Jack said, "all that gold, silver, jewels..."

While he was busy thinking about his riches, he did not notice that he ran into a giant brown shoe. Jack looked and noticed that the shoe belonged to a giant. The giant wore white pants and a shirt with the symbol of the Union Jack on it. He had bright red hair and glasses in front of his black eyes.

"Fee fi fo fum," The giant with a British accent said, "I smeww the bwood of an Amewican man."

"Mommy," Jack said as he started to flee in terror.

Raven made it to the top of the beanstalk just as Jack and the Giant were getting close to her. When Jack approached her, she used her powers to keep him from running.

"No!" He demanded, "Let me go!"

"I smeww the bwood of an Azawanian," The Giant said.

"Wait a minute," Raven said, "aren't you the giant from the story of Jack and the Beanstalk?"

"That's me," The Giant said.

"The giant wasn't after an Azaranian," Raven explained, "he was after Jack. And last time I check, the little guy was Jack."

"Don't listen to that butt kisser!" Jack demanded, "My name is not Jack, it's Mikron O'Jeneus. She's Jack, it's short for Jacqueline! You know girls these days are always giving themselves boys' names."

"You said your name was Jack earlier," Raven reminded him.

"I am not Jack, you are!" Jack insisted.

"I don't cawe what youw name's awe," The Giant said as he grabbed both of them, "I'ww just gwind both youw bones to make my bwead."

"Things were looking bad for Jack and Raven," Starfire narrated, "the giant brought them into captivity under a large jar of glass that was proofed of any sound. Jack tried using his machine to break it, but he could not make a crack."

"This wiww be good fow gwinding theiw bones," The giant said.

Jack continued to use his buzz saw to break the glass, but it couldn't do a thing. And during all of this, Raven was busy meditating. Jack walked over to her and demanded her to do something. He even screamed at her, which we couldn't hear because of the glass. But Raven continued to ignore Jack, so he started pouting. At that point, the glass levitated off of the ground. Jack was so happy that he kissed Raven, and was quickly zapped by her powers. The giant turned around and noticed that his prisoners had escaped.

"Come back hewe," The giant said as he chased after them.

"Our two heroes were able to outrun the giant," Starfire narrated, "and he had lost track of them when he entered his room of living."

The giant looked around, but was unable to see anybody in sight. So he decided to search the objects around him to find something. He went over to his dust covered shelf and lifted up a small clock. The clock caused some dust to rise and at that point he heard a sneeze coming from a pencil case close to it. He looked inside the pencil case to find Raven.

"Way to blow your cover moron!" A voice sneered.

The giant heard it and walked over to his walking stick that was beside a wall. He pushed a button that was on it and Jack popped right out of the top. Both Jack and Raven flew out of their hiding places and into the giant's fireplace.

"Don't think you can get away," The giant bragged, "I'ww smoke you out."

The giant lit a match and placed it under the fireplace. Jack quickly flew down and blew it out. The Brit lit another match and Raven blew it out. He lit another one and Jack blew it out. The giant caught on and came up with a plan. He lit another match and held it in his right hand, and when both Raven and Jack flew down, he caught them in his left hand. He then blew out the match and opened his hand up to look at them.

"She's Jack puss brain," Jack said.

Then the two of them flew off of the giant's hand and ran as fast as they could with the large Brit hot on their heels. The two of them passed a large ball of twine and seeing it gave Raven an idea.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos," She said.

Her words activated her powers and the ball of twine started to unravel itself. It stretched out across the room and raised itself until it was level with the giant's feet. The giant tripped when he connected with the twine and crashed to the floor.

"Looks like old booger butt's going to be out for a while," Jack taunted.

"And I suggest that we should get out of here," Raven stated.

"No way!" Jack shouted, "I want all of his gold!"

"It's your funeral," Raven said.

"While Jack ran off to get his goodies of gold," Starfire narrated, "Raven ran out of the castle and into a giant shed that looked old. Our hero stopped the second she entered to take a good look at what she saw. There were dozens of giant books in the shed, and Raven couldn't have been happier."

Time passes and Raven is floating on a fantasy book that she is reading.

"I know I'm not really into the happily ever after stuff, but that's how this story is ending for me," Raven noted.

"Glad to see that you are happy friend," Starfire narrated, "but I wonder what happened to the Jack who says the rude words?"

Scene shifted to the Giant, who is sitting on his easy chair.

"Boy am I sweepy," He said, "I wondew what time it is."

The giant took out his gold watch and looked at it. Jack was inside it, acting as the arms.

"Tick tock, tick tock," Jack said, "hey I'm surrounded by gold, so it ain't all bad."

"Then I guess everyone spent their ever after living happily," Starfire said.

Scene shifts to a giant logo that says a Cyrox production. Beast Boy, who has transformed into a pig, breaks through the logo. Then BB returns to his human form.

"Th-th-th-that's all folks!" Beast Boy said, ending the fanfic.


End file.
